Coming up on the halfway point of this project, I find myself surprised and, admittedly, almost a bit disappointed by the wealth of nice, normal guys I've met online. Sure, it has required a serious time commitment and thousands of messages/swipes to suss out the ones I might actually connect with -- and there have been plenty of grammatical errors and insecurity-ridden pick-up lines along the way -- but, on the whole, most of the men I've matched with have seemed to be some variation on the average Joe.
Where are all the creepers, crazies, and pervs?? Where is all the hilarious fodder for my blog??
Fortunately, just as I'm about to let down that guard I've been white-knuckling since puberty, Tinder Phil* steps in to pick up the slack for misogynists everywhere.
TP and I have been chatting on Tinder for a few days - a fairly bland tête-à-tête bolstered by the fact that we have several friends in common. Apparently, TP decides our convo could use a little spice:
I gag with repulsion.
Me: Has that line ever actually worked for you? Just out of queasy curiosity...
TP: I don't know. I've never tried it before.
So happy I could be your first.
I immediately screenshot our convo and send it to one of our many mutual friends, subject line: YOU KNOW THIS MAN??
Turns out, TP is her manager. Classy. She fwds the email to her co-manager, who sends it back TP's way, indubitably warning of forthcoming Tinder-shame.
I awake the next morning to an email -- nice of him to go to all the trouble of tracking down my address:
Long story short. My buddy Jason* got on my tinder account last night when I was in the other room and wrote that spanking response to a bunch of girls. So not my style. I'm so sorry. We have friends in common and I would never write some sleazy response like that. I got really pissed at Jason. So sorry. Seriously, sorry.
Fine. Sure. Whatever. No big deal. Sort of hilarious. I reply in kind:
Oh man - I was definitely a bit taken aback. No worries - I appreciate the message. That's kind of hilarious and slightly tragic. Hopefully your buddy's line worked on one of the chicks.
I think we are done here. I am incorrect. Our mutual friend, who -- God bless her motherly soul -- loves the both of us, thinks that, despite this little misstep, TP and I might actually get along in real life. She asks TP if she should ask me if I would be interested in a set-up.
TP: No, that's ok. She sounds a little uptight for my taste. Regardless if it was a joke email from my buddy. I need nothing but fun girls in my life right now.
Uptight. Fun girls.
Please excuse me while I go on a syntax-driven feminist rage spiral. Because I'm uptight like that.
Sidenote: The word 'naughty' seems to be seeing a resurgence amongst a certain demographic of men. Remember the forty-year-old British NPR/BBC contributor I met via OkCupid? Judging from his photos, he wasn't really my type physically, but I'm a sucker for people who are good with their words. Unfortunately, he decided to pull one out from the bottom of the gross barrel just five texts into our first conversation:
BritInLA: What time are you thinking tomorrow?
Me: 4:30 or 5?
BritInLA: That should work...where are you thinking?
Me: Somewhere in Beverly Hills? (Yes, this is me being completely and totally selfish haha)
BritInLA: You're naughty...
What? Ew. Where did that even - How does that - never mind. Just please stop.*shudder*twitch*shudder* I'm suddenly busy forever. Xo UptightInBH
*not his real name