The Scene: My favorite local cafe. I'm sitting out on the front patio, attempting to write, when an older gentleman waves/clears his throat several times to get my attention. The same attention I was purposefully diverting.
Concerned Older Man: May I - I was just noticing...
Ugh here he goes. He's going to shower me with compliments. Really, dude, I'm not really in the mood to discuss my most positive attributes. But thank you for your kind intentions.
COM: I was just noticing...you sort of scrunch up right here, right in the brow. (He's manipulating his own forehead into unattractive wrinkles as he says this.) Have you checked your eyes? I'm only saying this because you are quite beautiful now, but in time...
Welp. That took a turn. Also, f*ck you. Me and my unconscious expressions were feeling quite spectacular before you and your patriarchal patronizing came along.
Me: Ha yeah, I do that all the time when I'm thinking.
Should I tell him that, incidentally, what I was thinking at the time was that it was really creepy/awkward that he selected the one seat on the patio directly facing me, when every other seat was open? Like, I literally jotted it down on my notepad under the tab, "Weird Things Creepy Euro Dudes Do."
COM: No but really, it may just be your eyes - have you had them checked?
WHY ARE YOU SO CONCERNED ABOUT THIS, SIR.
Me: Yeah, no, I'm nearsighted, but that's not really an issue with the forehead thing. I've done it since I was a kid.
Also, why am I explaining myself to you.
COM: Ah, so you really are aware. (Awkward sputtering. More forehead motioning. Frustrated sigh.) Well, I guess you've been lucky so far. But...well...never mind. Good day.
No one has ever looked so disappointed in me. And I recently ran into my first grade teacher who once (over)optimistically told my mother I was going to be the first female President.
Mere milliseconds after this man exits, I get a(n) (unsolicited) BBM from my mother:
My Mother: Dr. Klemperer recommends this...Whole Foods...
Welp. Looks like I'll be stopping off to spend that Whole Paycheck later on tonight. Over-and-out, Universe. You woman-hater, you.