Lost in Emoji-lation

Today in things that happen with a BlackBerry that people with iPhones don’t understand:

One of the [very] few [and very far between] flaws with the BlackBerry is that emojis don’t turn up as super cute, full-color, emotion-laden graphics. They show up like this:

Not a huge deal, right? Hopefully most conversations amongst late 20/early 30 year olds don’t rely heavily on illustrations?

…Sure.

A few years ago, I was texting with a guy I was seeing* at the time. We shall call him Chad**. Chad liked to make fun of me for the always long and generally meandering stories I like to tell. After one such story, he sent me three emojis, knowing I would be unable to decipher them.

Me: Those better be ponies.

His nickname for me was Pony. I don't remember exactly why, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't for whatever reason you're thinking it was.  

Chad: Two ponies and a princess.

Adorable, right?

Fast-forward two days. One of my nearest and dearest takes pity on my lost-in-translation soul and offers up a piece of advice:

N&D: “You know you can see those on your iPad, right?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

N&D: “If you email yourself any of these texts, you’ll be able to see the emoijs.”

How glorious! Also effort-consuming, but, you know, worth it? (I used to have a lot of extra time/energy on my hands.) 

We decide to start with Chad's "two ponies and a princess": 

Chad and I didn't last very long

...

My Mom: Whatever happened with Chad? Why didn't things work out with him?
Me: We, uh, just didn't really connect on a, um, deeper emotional level. 
My Mom: Well, that's surprisingly mature.

...


Isn't it though?

*Sharing meals, movies, and beds with. So, you know, whatever that means to you.
**Not his real name

A Wrinkle (I Shall Get) In Time

The Scene: My favorite local cafe. I'm sitting out on the front patio, attempting to write, when an older gentleman waves/clears his throat several times to get my attention. The same attention I was purposefully diverting.

Concerned Older Man: May I - I was just noticing...

Ugh here he goes. He's going to shower me with compliments. Really, dude, I'm not really in the mood to discuss my most positive attributes. But thank you for your kind intentions.

COM: I was just noticing...you sort of scrunch up right here, right in the brow. (He's manipulating his own forehead into unattractive wrinkles as he says this.) Have you checked your eyes? I'm only saying this because you are quite beautiful now, but in time...

Welp.  That took a turn. Also, f*ck you. Me and my unconscious expressions were feeling quite spectacular before you and your patriarchal patronizing came along. 

Me: Ha yeah, I do that all the time when I'm thinking.

Should I tell him that, incidentally, what I was thinking at the time was that it was really creepy/awkward that he selected the one seat on the patio directly facing me, when every other seat was open? Like, I literally jotted it down on my notepad under the tab, "Weird Things Creepy Euro Dudes Do."

COM: No but really, it may just be your eyes - have you had them checked?

WHY ARE YOU SO CONCERNED ABOUT THIS, SIR.

Me: Yeah, no, I'm nearsighted, but that's not really an issue with the forehead thing. I've done it since I was a kid. 

Also, why am I explaining myself to you.

COM: Ah, so you really are aware. (Awkward sputtering. More forehead motioning. Frustrated sigh.) Well, I guess you've been lucky so far. But...well...never mind. Good day.

No one has ever looked so disappointed in me. And I recently ran into my first grade teacher who once (over)optimistically told my mother I was going to be the first female President.

...

Mere milliseconds after this man exits, I get a(n) (unsolicited) BBM from my mother:

My Mother: Dr. Klemperer recommends this...Whole Foods...

Welp. Looks like I'll be stopping off to spend that Whole Paycheck later on tonight. Over-and-out, Universe. You woman-hater, you. 

 

Actual Work Conversation

Monday morning email from my copy editor:

Hey Stacie - Quick Q. In the following sentence, “This modern take on a retro favorite puts the bae in beach babe.” Is the use of “bae” intentional or did you mean “babe”?

Hi, Mark - Yes, that was intentional. No, I'm not proud.

...

I'll be spending the rest of the afternoon rethinking a few crucial life decisions.