A Wrinkle (I Shall Get) In Time

The Scene: My favorite local cafe. I'm sitting out on the front patio, attempting to write, when an older gentleman waves/clears his throat several times to get my attention. The same attention I was purposefully diverting.

Concerned Older Man: May I - I was just noticing...

Ugh here he goes. He's going to shower me with compliments. Really, dude, I'm not really in the mood to discuss my most positive attributes. But thank you for your kind intentions.

COM: I was just noticing...you sort of scrunch up right here, right in the brow. (He's manipulating his own forehead into unattractive wrinkles as he says this.) Have you checked your eyes? I'm only saying this because you are quite beautiful now, but in time...

Welp.  That took a turn. Also, f*ck you. Me and my unconscious expressions were feeling quite spectacular before you and your patriarchal patronizing came along. 

Me: Ha yeah, I do that all the time when I'm thinking.

Should I tell him that, incidentally, what I was thinking at the time was that it was really creepy/awkward that he selected the one seat on the patio directly facing me, when every other seat was open? Like, I literally jotted it down on my notepad under the tab, "Weird Things Creepy Euro Dudes Do."

COM: No but really, it may just be your eyes - have you had them checked?

WHY ARE YOU SO CONCERNED ABOUT THIS, SIR.

Me: Yeah, no, I'm nearsighted, but that's not really an issue with the forehead thing. I've done it since I was a kid. 

Also, why am I explaining myself to you.

COM: Ah, so you really are aware. (Awkward sputtering. More forehead motioning. Frustrated sigh.) Well, I guess you've been lucky so far. But...well...never mind. Good day.

No one has ever looked so disappointed in me. And I recently ran into my first grade teacher who once (over)optimistically told my mother I was going to be the first female President.

...

Mere milliseconds after this man exits, I get a(n) (unsolicited) BBM from my mother:

My Mother: Dr. Klemperer recommends this...Whole Foods...

Welp. Looks like I'll be stopping off to spend that Whole Paycheck later on tonight. Over-and-out, Universe. You woman-hater, you. 

 

Actual Work Conversation

Monday morning email from my copy editor:

Hey Stacie - Quick Q. In the following sentence, “This modern take on a retro favorite puts the bae in beach babe.” Is the use of “bae” intentional or did you mean “babe”?

Hi, Mark - Yes, that was intentional. No, I'm not proud.

...

I'll be spending the rest of the afternoon rethinking a few crucial life decisions.

High on Housewifery

Upon absorbing the fact that my entire purchase consists of Adderall and cleaning supplies:

Me: I have a really big night ahead of me. Pretty excited. 

The pharmacist's fingers stop doing whatever it is that they do on that little machine of his.

Moment of eye contact. Longer moment of silence.

...

Me: I'm just kidding. I just realized this totally looks like the Desperate Housewives thing where she gets all cracked out on her kid's Adderall and cleans everything in sight and, like, bakes lots of cookies and stuff. 

Awkward laughter on my end. Another lengthy moment of deep, deep silence on his. Uncomfortable shifting from all three people in line behind me. 

...

Pharmacist: Do you have a Rewards card with us?

...

Yes I do. Thank you so much for asking.


Yogurtland: Fake Flavors, Real Rewards

INT. HER'S APARTMENT

HER is sitting cross-legged on a floor pillow, balancing an overly warm MacBook Air on overly warm knees. Phone rings. She answers. It's her dinner date, announcing his very prompt arrival.

HIM: Hey, I'm here.

HER: Ok cool! Just one sec and I'll be right out.

Silence. Except for her fingers clacking on the keyboard.

HIM: Are you on your computer?

HER: Yesss. Why?

HIM: What could you possibly be doing right now that's more important than fried rice balls?

HER: Um. I'm just registering my Yogurtland card. I'm almost done, though!

HIM: Registering your what?

HER: My Yogurtland card! You know one of those, like, for every 3 purchases, you get one free sort of things. 

HIM: Right. And you're registering this because...?

HER: Because they forgot to swipe my card the other day, but the guy said you can go on the site and enter in the order number and they'll credit your account! 

...

Silence.

...

HER: Hello?

HIM: Oh, I'm still here. I'm not really sure why I'm still here, but I'm still...right...here....

HER: We should maybe pretend this conversation never happened, huh.

HIM: Yeah...that's probably a good idea.

...

...

...

Apparently, some things are really hard to forget.

The Californians: Recruiter Edition

Dear Recruiters,

Lie to me about office culture. Lie to me about the likelihood of promotion. You can even get shady on the salary front. Don't you dare lie to me about the commute.

xo
Freelancers Everywhere

...

Recruiter: Great. So we'd love to bring you in next Monday or Tuesday, if either of those work for your schedule.

Me: Ok cool, that sounds great. Tuesday should work just fine. Where are the offices located?

Recruiter: Just south of downtown. We're in what's called Vernon. It's actually much easier to get to than all that downtown stuff.

Vernon?? Where the F is Vernon. This sounds smoggy. And murky. And very, very far away.

Me: Ah. Nice. 

Recruiter: Where do you live?

Me: Beverly Hills.

Recruiter: Ok, great. Yeah, so it's just a straight shot down the 10 from Beverly Hills. That's an easy drive. 

...

"straight shot down the 10"

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAH

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH

With a commute like that, I'm sure my day will consist of several straight shots...down the hatch.